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Michael Scott with our best collection of quotes from “The Office.”
Known for his unique blend of awkward charm and unintentional humor.
Michael Scott’s quotes are a delightful journey into the world of workplace comedy.
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Would I rather be feared or loved? Easy. Both. I want people to be afraid of how much they love me. — Michael Scott
If I had a gun with two bullets, and I was in a room with Hitler, Bin Laden, and Toby, I would Shoot Toby twice
Fool me once, strike one. Fool me twice, strike three. (Season 3, Episode 13)
You all took a life here today. You did. The life of the party.
It was a crime of passion, Jan, not a disgruntled employee. Everyone here is extremely disgruntled.
Michael Scott Quotes
Fool Me Once, Strike One, But Fool Me Twice… Strike Three.
Whenever I’m about to do something, I think, ‘Would an idiot do that?’ and if they would, I do not do that thing.
I’m not superstitious, but I am a little superstitious.– Michael Scott (Season 4, Fun Run)
You may look around and see two groups here: white-collar, and blue-collar. But I don’t see it that way, and you know why not? Because I am collar-blind. (Season 2, Episode 15)
Guess what, I have flaws. What are they? Oh, I don’t know. I sing in the shower. Sometimes I spend too much time volunteering. Occasionally I’ll hit somebody with my car. So sue me.
Don’t ever, for any reason, do anything to anyone, for any reason, no matter what, no matter where, or who you are with, or or where you are going, or where you’ve been, ever, for any reason, whatsoever.
I knew exactly what to do. But in a much more real sense, I had no idea what to do. — Michael Scott
Wikipedia is the best thing ever. Anyone in the world can write anything they want about any subject. So you know you are getting the best possible information.
And I knew exactly what to do. But in a much more real sense, I had no idea what to do.
You miss 100 percent of the chances you don’t take. – Wayne Gretzky’ – Michael Scott” (Season 5, Episode 23)
If this were Russia, yeah, sure. Everybody would go to one Santa. And there would be a line around the block. And once you sat on her lap and she asked you what you wanted, you would say, probably, “freedom.” At this point, the KGB would arrest you and send you to Siberia. It’s a good thing Russia doesn’t exist anymore.
Identity theft is not a joke, Jim! Millions of families suffer every year. — Dwight Schrute
You know what they say, fool me once that’s strike one, but fool me twice… strike two
I saved a life. My own. Am I a hero?… I really can’t say, but yes!
Sometimes you have to take a break from being the kind of boss that’s always trying to teach people things. Sometimes you just have to be the boss of dancing.” (Season 2, Episode 11)
It’s like the end of Spartacus. I have seen that movie half a dozen times and I still don’t know who the real Spartacus is. And that is what makes that movie a classic whodunnit.
Pizza: The Great Equalizer.Season 2, Episode 15, “Boys and Girls
Sometimes I’ll start a sentence and I don’t even know where it’s going. I just hope I find it along the way. Like an improv conversation. — Michael Scott
I live by one rule: No office romances, no way. Very messy, inappropriate…no. But, I live by another rule: Just do it…Nike.
No, I’m not going to tell them about the downsizing. If a patient has cancer, you don’t tell them.
This year, more people will use cocaine than read a book to their children.
Make Friends First, Make Sales Second, and Make Love Third. In No Particular Order.
I love inside jokes. I’d love to be a part of one someday.
One day Michael came in and complained about a speed bump on the highway…I wonder who he ran over then. — Jim Halpert
In the Schrute family, the youngest child raises the others. I’ve been raising children since I was a baby.
The worst thing about prison is the Dementors
An office is not for dying. An office is a place for living life to the fullest, to the max, to… an office is a place where dreams come true.
Wham! His cappa is detached from his head.
I wish there was a way to know you’re in the good old days before you’ve actually left them. — Andy Bernard
People will never be replaced by machines. In the end, life and business are about human connections. And computers are about trying to murder you in a lake. And to me the choice is easy.
I need a username, and…I have a great one. ‘Little Kid Lover.’ That way people will know exactly where my priorities are at.
The People That You Work With Are, When You Get Down To It, Your Very Best Friends.
Are you talkin’ to me? You talkin’ to me?’ Raging Bull, Pacino.
I talk a lot, so I’ve learned to just tune myself out… — Kelly Kapoor
R’ is among the most menacing of sounds. That’s why they call it ‘murder’ and not ‘mukduk.
I Feel Like All My Kids Grew Up And Then They Married Each Other. It’s Every Parent’s Dream.
You don’t know me, you’ve just seen my penis.
Sorry, I annoyed you with my friendship. — Andy Bernard
I’m not a millionaire. I thought I would be by the time I was 30, but I wasn’t even close. Then I thought maybe by 40, but by 40 I had less money than I did when I was 30
The people that you work with are, when you get down to it, your very best friends.
Do I have a special someone? Well, yeah, of course. A bunch of ’em. My employees.
White collar, blue collar. But I don’t see it that way. And you know why not? Because I’m collar-blind.
I’m not superstitious…but I’m a little stitious. — Michael Scott
The joke’s on you Goldenface, that man was a wanted animal rapist.
Granted, maybe this was not the best idea, but at least we care enough about our employees that we are willing to fight for them.
They say on your deathbed you never wish you spent more time at the office — but I will.
In your experience, what should I be expecting in terms of sensation or emotions? Is there anything I can do to make it more pleasurable for me or for Dr. Shaundry? My main concern: Should I have a safe word?
If I don’t have some cake soon, I might die. — Stanley Hudson
Jim is my enemy. But it turns out that Jim is also his own worst enemy. And the enemy of my enemy is my friend. So Jim is actually my friend. But, because he is his own worst enemy, the enemy of my friend is my enemy so actually Jim is my enemy.
Today I’m heading to the Valley View High School job fair to find some new interns. Wanna get some fresh blood — euthanized in this place.
Ryan’s about to attend the Michael Scott School of Business. I’m like Mr. Miyagi and Yoda rolled into one.
I am faster than 80 percent of all snakes. — Dwight Schrute
Abraham Lincoln once said ‘If you’re a racist, I will attack you with the North,” and these are the principles I carry with me in the workplace.
I’m an early bird and a night owl. So I’m wise and have worms.
Do I need to be liked? Absolutely not. I like to be liked. I enjoy being liked. I have to be liked, but it’s not like this compulsive need to be liked, like my need to be praised.
I hate the idea that someone out there hates me. I even hate thinking that al-Qaeda hates me. I think if they got to know me, they wouldn’t hate me. — Pam Beesly
Well, it’s love at first sight. Actually, it was… no, it was when I heard her voice. It was love at first with my ears.
To be fair, Jim, James, Jimothy. Jimothy. To be fair, Jimothy…that sounds weird. Are you okay with being called Jim?
I’ve got to make sure that YouTube comes down to tape this.
As it turns out, you can’t just check someone into rehab against their will. They have to do it voluntarily. They have to hit rock bottom. So I think I know what I need to do at this point. I need to find ways to push Meredith to the bottom. Um. I think I can do it.
The most sacred thing I do is care and provide for my workers and my family. I give them money. I give them food. Not directly, but through the money.
There’s no such thing as an appropriate joke. That’s why it’s called a joke.
Bears, beets, Battlestar Galactica. — Jim Halpert (pretending to be Dwight)
I used to be obese. Once you’ve conquered obesity, everything else is easy. Life literally moves in slow motion. I’m not saying I’m Superman, but let me just put it this way. If I were shot in the head, I’m pretty sure everything would be fine. I’d almost welcome it
I wanna be married and have 100 kids so I can have 100 friends and no one can say ‘no’ to being my friend.
When the son of the deposed king of Nigeria emails you directly, asking for help, you help! His father ran the freaking country! Ok?
I consider myself a good person…but I’m gonna try to make him cry. — Oscar Martinez
The rules of shotgun are very simple and very clear. The first person to shout ‘shotgun’ when you’re within sight of the car gets the front seat. That’s how the game’s played. There are no exceptions for someone with a concussion.
Webster’s Dictionary defines a wedding as The fusing of two metals with a hot torch.
Number 8. Learn how to take off a woman’s bra: You just twist your hand until something breaks.
In the end, the greatest snowball isn’t a snowball at all. It’s fear. Merry Christmas.
You know what they say ‘Fool me once, strike one, but fool me twice… strike three.
Sometimes the clothes at Gap Kids are just too flashy. So I’m forced to go to the American Girl store and order clothes for large colonial dolls. — Angela Martin
You are as creepy as a real serial killer. For real.
I know it’s illegal in Pennsylvania, but it’s for charity, and I consider myself a great philanderer.
There were these huge bins of clothes and everybody was rifling through them like crazy. And I grabbed one and it fit! So I don’t think that this is totally just a woman’s suit. At the very least it’s bisexual.
I am running away from my responsibilities. And it feels good.
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