100+ Best Sarcastic Quotes And Sayings

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I’d agree with you, but then we’d both be wrong.

Contentment is natural wealth, and luxury is artificial poverty.

If you’ve never met the devil on the road of life, it’s because you’re both heading in the same direction.

I am not young enough to know everything. – Oscar Wilde

My neighbors listen to good music whether they like it or not. ~ Anonymous

Sarcastic Quotes

God gave men both a penis and a brain, but unfortunately, not enough blood supply to run both at the same time. – Robin Williams

If money’s the god people worship, I’d rather go worship the devil instead.

You know you’ve reached middle age when you’re cautioned to slow down by your doctor, instead of by the police. — Joan Rivers

When people ask me stupid questions, it is my legal obligation to make a sarcastic remark.

Try sleeping with a moth if you feel you are too small for a change.

You would be doing me an enormous favor by shutting your mouth.

Well my imaginary friend thinks you have serious mental problems

Money cannot buy health, but I’d settle for a diamond-studded wheelchair. — Dorothy Parker

A lie gets halfway around the world before the truth has a chance to get its pants on. ~ Winston Churchill

No, Paige. I am trying to help you.“Go to hell.“I already exist on a level of hell.“It exists on one that isn’t near mine.― Samantha Shanno

If you’re going to tell people the truth, be funny or they’ll kill you. – Billy Wilder

I’m not saying I hate you, what I’m saying is that you are the Monday of my life.

I don’t eat meat because I love animals. I eat vegetables because I hate plants.

Tell me what I did to make you angry – that way, I’ll know how to do it again.

I never forget a face, but in your case, I’ll be glad to make an exception.

Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes. That way when you criticize them, you are a mile away from them and you have their shoes. — Jack Handey

People kept saying ‘Go Corona Go’ and it went to other countries to spread across the globe.

If I wanted to kill myself I would climb your ego and jump to your IQ.

Kidnapped by a vampire, death by a squid. How tragic.

Life is hard; it’s harder if you’re stupid.

The most beautiful dreams of freedom were dreamt up in the dungeon.

That is the ugliest top I’ve ever seen, yet it compliments your face perfectly.

I’m sick of following my dreams, man. I’m just going to ask where they’re going and hook up with ’em later. — Mitch Hedberg

One might be led to suspect that there were all sorts of things going on in the Universe that he or she did not thoroughly understand.

I may be drunk, Miss, but in the morning I will be sober and you will still be ugly. — Sir Winston Churchill

It’s okay if you don’t like me. Not everyone has good taste.

True bonding happens when your friends and you are all mad about the same thing.

I’m busy at the moment. But I’ll happily ignore you another time.

I am busy right now, can I ignore you some other time?

Never follow anyone else’s path. Unless you’re in the woods and you’re lost and you see a path. Then by all means follow that path. — Ellen DeGeneres

People say nothing is impossible, but I do nothing every day. ~ A. A. Milne

Having children makes you no more a parent than having a piano makes you a pianist. – Michael Levine

It’s weird, marriage. It’s like this license that gives a person the legal right to control their spouse / their ‘other half.

Marriage is give and take. You’d better give it to her or she’ll take it anyway. — Joey Adams

Do you think God gets stoned? I think so… look at the platypus.

Education is what one does after he has forgotten everything he learned at school.

Do you practice being this stupid, or are you just naturally gifted?

Tell me. Is being stupid a profession or are you just gifted?

Outside of a dog, a book is man’s best friend. Inside of a dog, it’s too dark to read. — Groucho Marx

Funny Epic Sarcastic Quotes

I always say ‘Morning’ Instead of ‘good morning’ Because if it was a good morning, I would still be in bed and not talking to people.

Mr. Sand, do you think it’s possible to fall in love in the space of a single day? He smiled. “I wouldn’t know. I only fall in love at night. Never lasts beyond breakfast, though.

The advantage of having only one child is that you always know who did it. — Erma Bombeck

Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until they speak.

Violence won’t solve anything. But it sure makes me feel good.

I like freedom. I wake up in the morning and say, ‘I don’t know, should I have a popsicle or a donut?’ You know, who knows? — Oscar Nunez

My mother always used to say: The older you get, the better you get, unless you’re a banana. ~ Rose (Betty White)

An optimist thinks that this is the best possible world. A pessimist fears that this is true. – Robert Oppenheimer

Too young, too young, she chanted to herself. Wrong, of course. I was older than her grandfather but according to my driver’s license, she was right.― Stephenie Meyer

Flawsome: Adj. An individual who is open to their “flaws” and recognizes that they are amazing.

Unless your name is Google, you should stop acting like you know everything.

People say that laughter is the best medicine, your face must be curing the world.

Someone asked me, if I were stranded on a desert island what book would I bring: ‘How to Build a Boat. — Steven Wright

People are prisoners of their phones… that’s why it’s called a “cell phone. ~ Invajy

I kinda like this world. But then again I compare it to life for humans before technology and plumbing especially so I think we have got it pretty damn good.

Want some help with help with that stick in your ass, love?”No. It’s quite comfortable, thank you.”It should be. It’s been in there for years.” Nix winked at Will. “I hope you’ll forgive my wife. She’s a bit antisocial.”And the water’s a bit wet.― S.W. Vaughn

There’s no secret about success. Did you ever know a successful man who didn’t tell you about it? -​ Kin Hubbard

I don’t enjoy irony or sarcasm. However, I like it when someone tells you a joke but then it turns out to be serious.

I can explain it to you, but I can’t understand it for you.

I’d tell you to go to hell, but I work there and don’t want to see your ugly mug every day.

Common sense is like deodorant. The people who need it most never use it. — Anonymous

I don’t have a welcome mat at my door because I’m not a liar. ~ Anonymous

If you think you are too small to be effective, you have never been in the dark with a mosquito.

Are you fighting evil tonight?… Then you are doing the Lord’s work. Shut the fuck up.― James R. Tuck

I am so clever that sometimes I don’t understand a single word of what I am saying. – Oscar Wilde

I love sarcasm. It’s like punching people in the face but with words.

Some cause happiness everywhere they go, others wherever they go.– Oscar Wilde.

Some people need a high-five. In the face. With a chair.

I don’t believe in plastic surgery. But in your case, go ahead.

The only thing that separates us from the animals is our ability to accessorize. — Claire Belcher (Olivia Dukakis)

Some family trees bear an enormous crop of nuts. ~ Wayne H

Sarcasm is the body’s natural defense against stupidity.

Brave lodgings for one, brave lodgings for one, A few feet of cold earth, when life is done; A stone at the head, a stone at the feet,

A rich, juicy meal for the worms to eat; Rank grass overhead, and damp clay around, Brave lodgings for one, these, in holy ground!― Charles Dickens

Happiness is having a large, loving, caring, close-knit family in another city. — George Burns

Cancel my subscription because I don’t need your issues.

Success is not something you can hide. Did you ever know a successful man who didn’t tell you about it?- Kin Hubbard.

The bigger the family, the bigger the problems.

A good rule to remember for life is that when it comes to plastic surgery and sushi, never be attracted by a bargain. — Graham Norton

I know family comes first, but shouldn’t that mean after breakfast? ~ Jeff Lindsay

I have a T-shirt: I’m allergic to stupidity; I break out in sarcasm.

Christians rejected the need for proof to support belief in God, yet dismissed proof altogether when it was there.

I clapped because it’s finished, not because I like it.

A diamond is simply a lump of coal that performs well under pressure.– Anonymous.

You know what I like about people? Their dogs.

Mirrors can’t talk, lucky for you, they can’t laugh either.

As you get older, three things happen. The first is your memory goes, and I can’t remember the other two. — Sir Norman Wisdom

Sure I’ll help you out… the same way you came in. ~ Anonymous

Everyone has the right to be stupid, but you are abusing the privilege.

Will you accept me?” Fur”No. I’m here naked with you because all my clothes fell off by accident and I can’t find them. Angeli, You’re a sarcastic little critter, aren’t you?” Fur” I learned it from you.” Angelia― Sherrilyn Kenyon

If you haven’t got anything nice to say about anybody, come sit next to me.

If had a dollar for every smart thing you say. I’ll be poor.

Calamities come in two types: misfortunes to us and good fortune for others.

Life is short. Smile while you still have teeth.

The whole purpose of sending a text is to get a reply within seconds or minutes, otherwise, I would have sent a letter by fucking mail.

You know you’re getting old when you stoop to tie your shoelaces and wonder what else you could do while you’re down there. — George Burns

The informality of family life is a blessed condition that allows us all to become our best while looking at our worst. ~ Marge Kennedy

I’m going to use this one … A neat little parcel of insult, sarcasm, and truth 😀

I was debating on jumping and ending my despair over losing my best friend, but I decided to call you instead.

Parents are the last people on earth who ought to have children. -Samuel Butler

I’m sorry while you were talking I was trying to figure out where the hell you got the idea I cared.

Women who want to be equal with men are not ambitious.

Never forget that you’re unique. Just like everybody else.

Not all girls are made of sugar and spice and everything is nice. Some girls are made of sarcasm, wind, and everything fine.

Any man who can drive safely while kissing a pretty girl is simply not giving the kiss the attention it deserves. — Albert Einstein

I’m sorry I hurt your feelings when I called you stupid. I thought you already knew.

Don’t waste yer’ breath kid. Explainin’ anything to that one? It’s like tryin’ ta’ slap the dumb off a retard… -George Foster

I had a perfectly wonderful evening, but this wasn’t it. -Groucho Marx

No, you don’t have to repeat yourself. I was ignoring you the first time.

Always remember that your uniqueness is what you have.” “Just like everyone else.

I’m not listening, but by all means, keep talking. I love how your voice makes my ears bleed.

If you want to change the world, do it while you’re single. Once you’re married you can’t even change the TV Channel.

People say, ‘But Betty, Facebook is a great way to connect with old friends.’ Well, at my age, if I want to connect with old friends I need an Ouija board. — Betty White

I asked God for a bike, but I know God doesn’t work that way. So I stole a bike and asked for forgiveness.~ Emo Philips

I laughed and spilled my coffee all down my top, very funny though

The worst thing about the dead rising? (Other than, you know, all the zombies?) The smell. Nothing kills the mood like the odor of three-day-old road kill and poo… -Katherine Anita Cho(KyCH)

Always remember that you are unique. Just like everyone else. -Margaret Mead

Sarcasm is the secret language that everyone uses when they want to say something mean to their face.

If you find me offensive. Then I suggest you quit finding me.

If I had a dollar for every clever thing you said, I’d be broke.

Need money for college. Need college for a job. Need a job for money. Who was the mastermind behind this system?

Accept who you are. Unless you’re a serial killer. — Ellen DeGeneres

Fun fact: Alcohol increases the size of the ‘send’ button by 89%. ~ Anonymous

Before you judge a man, walk a mile in his shoes. After that who cares? He’s a mile away and you’ve got his shoes! – Billy Connolly

Aren’t you supposed to say that everything is going to be okay?

All generalizations are false, including this one. -Mark Twain

Unless your name is Google stop acting like you know everything.

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