Are you looking for funny golf quotes? Tee off with a laugh!
Explore our best collection of funny golf quotes that tickle your funny bone.
These quotes show the lighter side of golf, from funny stories.
To observations about this beloved sport.
Golf is the most fun you can have without taking your clothes off. – Chi Chi Rodriguez
Have you ever shot par with a 7 iron? – Roy McAvoy
Gambling is illegal at Bushwood sir, and I never slice. – Judge Smails, Caddyshack
Funny Golf Quotes
The older I get, the better I used to be. – Lee Trevino
You don’t know what pressure is until you play for five bucks with only two bucks in your pocket. — Lee Trevino at his best.
I never kick my ball in the rough or improve my lie in a bunker. For that, I have a caddy. – Bob Hope, Actor & Comedian
Actually, the only time I ever took out a one-iron was to kill a tarantula. And I took a 7 to do that.
The only way of really finding out a man’s true character is to play golf with him. In no other walk of life does the cloven hoof so quickly display itself. ‒ P. G. Wodehouse.
The Old Testament is responsible for more atheism, agnosticism, and disbelief – call it what you will – than any book ever written; it has emptied more churches than all the counter attractions of cinema, motor bicycle, and golf courses. ― A. A. Milne
If you are caught on a golf course during a storm and are afraid of lightning, hold up a 1-iron, not even God can hit a 1-iron. — again, Lee Trevino, would know a thing or two about lightning strikes considering he was stuck by it on the course.
I have a tip that can take five shots off everyone’s game. It’s called an eraser. – Arnold Palmer, ‘The King’
The reason the pro tells you to keep your head down is so that you can’t see him laughing. – Phyllis Diller – American Actress
If your caddy coaches you on the tee, ‘Hit it down the left side with a little draw,‘ ignore him. All you do on the tee is try not to hit the caddy. – Jim Murray, American Sportswriter
There is no such thing as natural touch. Touch is something you create by hitting millions of golf balls. ‒ Lee Trevino.
In Hollywood, we have some of the richest unemployed people in the world. They have sun tans. Some of them have chauffeurs in Rolls-Royces waiting outside. They have their golf clubs ready in the car. There is no law that says you cannot play golf while being unemployed. ― Allan Sherman
Golf and sex are about the only two things you can enjoy even if you’re not good at them. – Roy McAvoy, Tin Cup
They call it golf because the other four-letter words were taken. – Ray Floyd, PGA Hall of Fame
Caddies are a breed of their own. If you shoot 66, they say Man we shot 66 today. But go out and shoot 77 and they say Hell, he shot 77. – Lee Trevino (PGA Hall of Fame Golfer)
I’ve seen lifelong friends drift apart over golf just because one could play better, but the other counted better. ‒ Stephen Leacock, ‘Leacock On Life’.
Instead of saving for someone else’s college education, I’m currently saving for a luxury retirement community replete with golf carts and handsome young male nurses who love butterscotch. ― Jen Kirkman
A hole in one is amazing when you think of the different universes this white mass of molecules has to pass through on its way to the hole. — We’ll have whatever Mac O’Grady is smoking.
Work is for people who don’t know how to play golf. If you break 100, watch your golf. If you break 80, watch your business.” ‒ Joey Lauren Adams, ‘Strictly For Laughs’.
Never on any golf course have I been approached by a policeman who said, Lady, you can’t play with an ordinary golf ball. You’re a movie star. You’ll have to use a coconut for a ball. ― Irene Dunne
Nobody but you and your caddy care what you do out there, and if your caddy is betting against you, he doesn’t care either. Lee Trevino
If you get caught on the course during a storm and are afraid of lightning, then hold up your one-iron; even god cannot hit a one-iron. – Lee Trevino
I call upon all nations to do everything they can to stop these terrorist killers. Thank you. Now watch this drive.
George W. Bush
A major golf tournament is 40,000 sadists watching 144 masochists. ‒ Thomas Boswell.
The difference between a good golf shot and a bad one is the same as the difference between a beautiful and a plain woman – a matter of millimeters. ― Ian Fleming
I went to play golf to try and shoot my age, but I shot my weight instead. – Bob Hope
From many famous golf players quotes, it is clear that this game is not about winning but simply having fun, one of the popular wiseguys said, Do not take yourself too seriously, you have to have a sense of humor – George Steinbrenner
Hell, I’m going to make so much money this year, my caddy will make the top twenty money-winners list. – Lee Trevino
You can make a lot of money in this game. Just ask my ex-wives. Both of them are so rich that neither of their husbands works. – Lee Trevino
Although golf was originally restricted to wealthy, overweight Protestants, today it’s open to anybody who owns hideous clothing. Dave Barry
The most important shot in golf is the next one. ― Ben Hogan
Cinderella story. Outta nowhere. – Carl Spackler, Caddyshack
Golf is a compromise between what your ego wants you to do, what experience tells you to do, and what your nerves let you do. — Bruce Crampton making us think more than we’d like to.
I don’t care to join any club that’s prepared to have me as a member. – Groucho Marx, American Comedian & Actor
Make friends with your caddy and the game will make friends with you. – Stephen Potter, Golf Writer
On being asked before the final round what he needed to shoot to win the tournament – ‘the rest of the field. – Roger Maltbie, PGA Tour & TV Commentator
Golf… is the infallible test. The man who can go into a patch of rough alone, with the knowledge that only God is watching him, and play his ball where it lies, is the man who will serve you faithfully and well. P.G. Wodehouse
I am past writing angst songs for kids. My angst is when I can’t get my Porsche roof up and when I can’t get my golf handicap down. ‒ Alice Cooper.
The uglier a man’s legs are, the better he plays golf – it’s almost a law. ― H. G. Wells
Former greenskeeper, now, about to become the Masters champion. It looks like a miracle… It’s in the hole! It’s in the hole! It’s in the hole. – Carl Spackler, Caddyshack
I’m the best. I just haven’t played yet. — Muhammed Ali, I mean, who else could say something like this?
The only time I talk on the golf course is to my caddy. And then only to complain when he has given me the wrong club. – Seve Ballesteros (PGA Hall of Fame Golfer)
Why am I using a new putter? Because the old one didn’t float too well. – Craig Stadler, PGA Tour, 1982 Masters Champion
The only time my prayers are never answered is on the golf course. ― Billy Graham
Of course, I talk to myself. Sometimes I need an expert opinion. – Carl Spackler, Caddyshack
The difference between golf and government is that in golf you can’t improve your lie. — George Deukmejian waxing prophetic.
I know you can be fined for throwing a club, but I want to know if you can get fined for throwing a caddy. – Tommy Bolt, US Open Champion 1958
Hockey is a sport for white men. Baseball is a sport for black men. Golf is a sport for white men dressed like black pimps. – Tiger Woods
Ours is a youth culture, and like a golf tournament, we honor only low scores. ‒ Bill Cosby.
Don’t sell yourself short Judge, you’re a tremendous slouch. – Ty Webb, Caddyshack
If you think it’s hard to meet new people, try picking up the wrong golf ball. — Jack Lemmon, is a true comedian on and off the course.
Golf is an easy game…It’s just hard to play.
After all these years, it’s still embarrassing for me to play on the PGA Tour. Like the last time I asked my caddy for a sand wedge and he came back ten minutes later with a ham on rye. – Chi Chi Rodriquez, PGA Hall of Fame
I’m working as hard as I can to get my life and my cash to run out at the same time. If I could just die after lunch on Tuesday, everything would be perfect. – Doug Sanders, PGA Tour
It took me seventeen years to get three thousand hits in baseball. It took one afternoon on the golf course.
Hank Aaron
I regard golf as an expensive way of playing marbles. ‒ G. K. Chesterton.
If you watch a game, it’s fun. If you play at it, it’s recreation. If you work at it, it’s golf. ― Bob Hope
This is your wife, huh? Hey baby, you must’ve been something before electricity. – Al Czervik
Golf?! You hit down to make the ball go up. You swing left and the ball goes right. The lowest score wins. And, on top of that, the winner buys the drinks. I’m not sure who said it, but whoever did understand the game, at times, doesn’t make much sense.
If there is a ball on the fringe and a ball in the bunker, your ball is in the bunker. If both balls are in the bunker, yours is in the footprint.
A recent survey said that a caddy lives the longest of all jobs. They get plenty of fresh air and exercise, and if there ever is a medical emergency, there is always a doctor nearby. – Unknown
Golf is a puzzle without an answer. I’ve played the game for 50 years and I still haven’t the slightest idea of how to play. Gary Player
Golf is a game that mirrors life. Golf is both a mystical journey of joy and sorrow and a physical journey of cause and effect.‒ Matthew E. Adams, ‘Fairways Of Life: Golf Wisdom From The Legends’.
A great deal of unnecessarily bad golf is played in this world. ― Harry Vardon
Doing the bull dance. Feelin’ the flow. Workin’ it. Workin’ it. – Gary Potter (Kevin Nealon), Happy Gilmore
It’s good sportsmanship to not pick up lost golf balls while they are still rolling. — Mark Twain, the famous wordsmith who also said golf is a good walk spoiled.
Since bad shots come in groups of three, a fourth bad shot is the beginning of the next group of three.
I was lying ten and had a thirty-five-foot putt. I whispered over my shoulder, how does this one break? My caddie says Who cares! – Jack Lemmon, Actor & Comedian
If profanity influenced the flight of the ball, the game of golf would be played far better than it is. – Horace G. Hutchinson
A golf course is the epitome of all that is purely transitory in the universe; a space not to dwell in, but to get over as quickly as possible. ‒ Jean Giraudoux, ‘The Doctor In The Enchanted: A Comedy In Three Acts’.
Golf is like solitaire. When you cheat, you cheat only yourself. ― Tony Lema
Golf requires goofy pants and a fat ass. You should talk to my neighbor, the accountant. Probably a great golfer – huge ass. – Happy Gilmore, Happy Gilmore
Golf is a game in which you yell fore, shoot six, and write down five. — Paul Harvey calling every golfer out.
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